Last night after bible study I got a Facebook message from a friend of mine. She happens to be expecting her second baby two weeks before me - in fact, funny story. When I was NEWLY pregnant, talking 5 weeks, I logged into my Baby Center account to update my timeline to now include baby #2. Remembering the drama the baby board provided me late into each night while pregnant with Cruz I also subscribed to the January 2013 board. Snooping around I see a familiar picture....it was my friend! She was talking about how she was also newly pregnant - totally tired, already showing, chasing around her toddler son! What a small world! Out of the thousands of members subscribed to that one board, I run across MY FRIEND. So I immediately message her on Facebook and spill my secret too!
Anyway going through exactly what I am going through she messages me an article called Loving Two. Fitting...especially after yesterday's blog post about my bone chilling fears about bringing home this baby girl.
Loving
Two
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow
of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to
remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love
another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at
having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in
your own way, please love only me.
And I hear myself telling you in mine, I can’t.
Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see
our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A
relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new
being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her as
though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change. First to
curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days
pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the
two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times
we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the
love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I
watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by
each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken
something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer
afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each
of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can
love another child as much as I love you only differently. And although I realize
that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love.
There is enough of that for both of you. You each have your own supply. I love
you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
-Author unknown
-Author unknown
Amazing, huh?! I cried. Under the covers (cause my husband was sound asleep and get's really snippy if the light from my phone keeps him awake - no judgement here. he wakes up at 5 every morning.). Bawled. 20 minutes after I finish...still bawling. *Really sad that as I just re-read it to post here, tears. Again.
Thank you, Courtni for sending me just what I needed. It was indeed perfect timing. It makes this sad mama's heart happy that I have friends who know exactly what I am going through and are crying with me.
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