Sex, reflection and resolution

I am totally stealing an idea.

It came from Pinterest and is for 10 year olds.

Not surprising for me though these days.

The other day I was listening to a Focus on the Family radio program about sex driving home from my parent's house. Christian author Dannah Gresh was speaking about her book, What Are You Waiting For?: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You about Sex. Specifically about the ground breaking science that explains the addictive power of intimacy - I mean, can you even handle the fact that God designed the brain to release a chemical during sex to bond one person to another??! She also addressed how to break free from a "soul tie" and from sexual guilt.

I was so into each sentence she uttered that I couldn't just turn off the car when I pulled into the garage. I ended up finishing the program on my iPhone while simultaneously getting Cruz in his jammies and ready for bed. The second the program was over I was on Amazon researching the book knowing it was a total God thing I even caught wind of it in the first place...the subject hit a little too close to home.

Turns out the book also addresses topics like masturbation, pornography and speaks frankly about the lesbian question. Done and done. I seem to love researching inappropriate topics like these and bringing them up at inappropriate times.

During the program, Gresh, made it a point to mention the importance of an accountability partner if attempting to break a "soul tie" - I guess it is not for the weak at heart.

Greattttttt.

So, I call Lauren, ask her to be my person and ask if she would be willing to read the book with me. After all she knows my relationship past better than I do.

It wasn't long after looking into it that she calls me.

"Ashley, did you know it was written for 14 year old girls?"

Okay okay. So it is written for young girls. We still ordered the book and are starting it today. I'm confident the introduction to Dannah was no accident. I need it. And one day I can pass it down to my 15 year old daughter who will come home from school to tell me about a boy. The same experience I remember all too well. Unfortunately it is the same experience that has lead me here.

Book review to come...

Anyway. Back to the idea I stole. From the 10 year old. A twist on reflection and resolution.

WHAT A YEAR IT HAS BEEN!

A Little About Me
Name: Ashley Ann Westerberg Salzwedel
Age: 29
Favorite color/s: Plum and almost every form of orange - from peach to tangerine.
Favorite food: A tie between Thai and a piping hot fudge-y brownie.
Favorite activity: A tie between my daily mini dates with Cruz and planning/dreaming about our fixer upper with Nick. All he has to do to get my undivided attention is start talking about our remodel.
Favorite book: They didn't say favorite bible study so I can't say The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer or Beth Moore's Daniel: Lives of Integrity, Words of Prophecy. Both amazing. Both LIFE. CHANGING. They said favorite book. So most def it would be The Hunger Games trilogy - with Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn as a close, close second.

Highlights Of 2012
Greatest lesson learned: Not to get distracted by a gnat in my lip gloss! 
"Spiritual maturity is rarely more obvious than in our ability to discern the difference between true peril and a gnat in our lip gloss. We, as a culture and as a nation, find ourselves in serious times. As I consider our "times", I don't only want to be fortified against the influences of wickedness. I want to be an active influence for Christ. ---I want to want a heart that burns with fiery passion for Christ and for a world He came to save. ---I want an outpouring of the Holy Spirit on my very own head! I want to take my place in the times to which I have been entrusted. Don't you?" - Beth Moore
YES YES and a BIG FAT YES!
Hardest thing of the year: Dealing with the terminal illness and eventual passing of Nick's step mom, Laurie Salzwedel. This Valentine's Day letter I wrote to Nick three days before she died might be my favorite blog post of the year.
Favorite memory: There are a million things I could talk about here - Cruz's first birthday, Hawaii with my incredibly sexy, very talented salesman of a husband, getting to stay at home with my favorite boy, finding out we would be welcoming baby Salzwedel #2 in 2013, Cruz's amazing progress this summer...but my favorite memory of the year BY far was learning we were going to be parents to a baby girl! Clinks pulled out all the stops to make it such a special evening for Nick and I. No kidding I have watched the reveal video we posted on Facebook a MILLION times. To date my eyes water. I really never ever imagined in a million years that God would bless me with the deepest desire of my heart...a daughter.
What I loved most about 2012: I am sure it because baby girl is set to arrive any day now but my favorite thing about 2012 was every single moment it was just Nick, Cruz and I. In our bed on Saturday mornings, out to dinner on Friday nights, car rides to the LC Valley, slow walks up and down the serene streets of Liberty Lake, lunch dates, family swim time, Target adventures, or lazy evenings reading books all cuddled together in Cruz's bedroom. As excited I am to be able to give Cruz a sister, I am sad our family of 3 will be no longer. Because of that, I will forever hold 2012 in a very special place in my heart.

Looking Forward To 2013
What to learn: More and more about the amazing God I serve. The Dream Table's study of Daniel has amazed me, and changed me in every way possible. The number one thing it has taught me is just how incredibly fortunate I am to even have an opportunity TO KNOW the Creator of the Universe. The Great I Am. The beginning and the end.
Want to get better at: 1. I want to be a better wife to my husband. 2. I want to drastically change my prayer life. Be Daniel. I want to be a person someone not only thinks of but GOES TO when needing prayer because they know I will warrior up for them. 3. Since we haven't welcomed baby girl into our family yet, I can't say this with absolute certainty...so while presumptive now, I am sure it won't be when: I want to be better at being a GREAT mom to two.
Biggest goal: Following through on my heart's desire to serve, mentor, counsel teen moms/moms to be.

The One Word I Want For Myself In 2013
One word: Discernment.

I would love to know yours...

Happy New Year to you my loves!

xo

Life lately via iPhone pics

Showered with love

Isn't it always true??

"I have the best friends and family in the history of friends and family." 

Well in my case it is absolutely true. 

When I found out I was pregnant with this baby I told my sister that I didn't want a baby shower. ESPECIALLY if we were expecting a boy. There is something about asking loved ones for another baby gift that really makes me feel funny. Plus if I'm honest - there wasn't much this baby needed boy or girl. Remember, I had already stockpiled girl clothing from when I though Cruz was most definitely a baby girl and most all of my baby boy accessories are fairly gender neutral. Well MUCH to my surprise we found out we were expecting a baby girl. Not only did that bring about a whole new level of excitement and shopping, but the words baby and shower reemerged. 

I knew, that with my particular taste and style, I would be the one responsible filling her closet with clothing. So with that in mind, my sister's feisty insistence ("Ashleyyyy, it is my last opportunity to throw my sister a baby shower...."), and my dear dear friend Kelly's desire to get involved - an accessory baby shower for baby girl Salzwedel was born. No big thing. Just my closest friends and family. Celebrating the fact that I, in a few short weeks, will be welcoming a DAUGHTER!

It was perfect in every way. A festive brunch that glowed beside my sister's beautifully decorated home. Gifts filled with love and generosity piled under my sister's Christmas tree. Fellowship and laughter with some of my very favorite people on the earth. I mean, honestlyyyyyy.

I know I have said it a few times but to the two hosts of the morning: thank you! Thank you for ALWAYS going out of your way to make me feel so special. Always. It was all perfect because of you two!

This baby is sure lucky...and very blessed. She now has more shoes than any person I know. And lots of pink bows. She even got a few pieces of jewelry for the hospital and a gift certificate to Silver Safari from Aunt Lauren so that at 3 months old she can get her ears pierced (Aunt Lauren, you know us all too well)! I can't WAIT for that! If I could, I would pierce those ears in the hospital!

I will leave you with this - a message I left with each one of the people who came. It is also a message to those who wanted to be there but couldn't. I am thankful for EACH ONE OF YOU!

I am certain that God has blessed me with the most loving, caring, devoted, faithful, awe inspiring group of friends and family on earth. You have all touched my life fiercely which is why I couldn't that God any more that it will be YOU all who my daughter will look up to. Thank you all so much for showing myself and Baby Salz some love and for taking time out of your life to be here. I can't wait till she arrives...it will be a great honor and deep pleasure to introduce you to our daughter. 

Mad love, Ash

36 weeks

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: As I write this? 36 weeks, 4 days. 

Total Weight Gain: 26 lbs. Today I had my 36 week apt. Stepping on the scale to find out my number hadn't changed even an ounce since two weeks ago was honestly the best Christmas present I could have ever given myself...especially considering Christmas Eve I ate 7 or 8 (stopped counting) fist size chocolate chip cookies. Fresh out of the oven. A little under cooked. Best ever. 

Maternity Clothes:  Maternity leggings, black yoga pants, camis and zip ups the rest of the way. 

Stretch Marks: Nick freaked out the other day when I came out of my bathroom naked. Staring at my belly he gasped and told me my belly button looked disfigured, bruised and badly beaten. I mean, I will give him that. Not only is he dead right but it is also FULLY out - the top a little more protruded than the bottom. Ewwwwww. Turns out my belly button is one giant puffy stretched out little thing. It now happily joins the stretch mark I told you about in my last update. 

Best Moment this Week: My appointment today was pretty amazing. Started off on a high note stepping on that scale and other than the Strep B test (where they swab your hole) it kept getting better. Not only am I 2 cm. dilated but Doctor B scheduled me a weight check ultrasound for January 2nd. All signs now point to baby girl being between 7-8 lbs at 40 weeks but with Cruz estimated at 9-11 at 40, he just wants to be sure. 

Miss Anything: Too many things to mention and it is almost bed time...but honestly, now that I am that close, I am kinda sad it all is coming to an end. Totally bittersweet. 

Movement: She is low. And head down. This means I feel knees, buns, feet mostly but what is REALLY nuts and totally crazy is when her head or hands hit my bladder or cervix. It is the most stop you in your tracks feeling EVER. Nick will often see my face when this happens and ask me what is wrong. When I tell him he goes, "oh." Ummm OH?! I wish you, Nicholas, had a 6 lb child punching you in the penis all day then you MAY have an idea as to how I feel. 

Cravings: Umm check out my newest can't live without it craving - a mini bottle of pulp free orange juice. I step foot into Albertsons and immediately, without skipping a beat, stroll down the breakfast aisle to grab and then down my mini bottle. I am so that lady who brings empty containers with me to the check-out guy. I  know that I could buy a gallon jug of pulp free orange juice so I can indulge at home but there is something about the mini bottle that really REALLY does it for me. As we speak I am planning out my tomorrow morning in my head cause I HAVE TO HAVE a mini oj. Have to.

Gender: GIRL!

Name: We have a name....kinda wished we didn't though because this really hot mommy blogger/photographer I follow recently had a baby girl and named her Parker. Parker London Rose. I mean....HONESTLY....how AMAZING???? I am beyond obsessed and totally pissed at myself for not coming up with Parker for a baby girl myself. 

Labor Signs: I make them up. Contractions? Sure. Extra discharge? Totally. Hey 2 cm. is something but other than that I got nothing. 

Symptoms: Two are currently ruling my life. Heartburn and pressure.  

Happy or Moody: Umm...I guess moody but honestly just uncomfortable. That alone is the reason I am moody. 

Wedding Rings - on or off: On.  

Looking Forward to: My ultrasound next week followed by baby girl's arrival! I wonder if I will even get to next week's apt.?! Oh and I can't wait to share her completed nursery with you. I spent all of last week cleaning, organizing and  putting things in their spot. All bags are packed too btw (just have to add my designer hospital gown thanks to sissy dearest - major love)! Nick finished her changing table and hung shelves. It is looking more amazing than I could have even hoped. Her name is now official and hanging over her crib (thanks to my wildly talented friend Lindsey) which is why I can't show you everything just yet but trust me, it is good. 

Here are just a few fruits of my labor...and Nick's too. 

34 weeks

32 weeks

30 weeks

28 weeks

26 weeks

24 weeks

22 weeks

20 weeks

18 weeks

Merry Christmas

Today we are thankful for the Ancient of Days and for the opportunity to witness Jesus crowned King of the universe once and for all.

Many blessings to our loved ones and much love.

Xo,
The Salzwedels
Nick, Ashley, Cruz, Baby Girl, Bianca and Liam

34 weeks

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: As I write this? 34 weeks, 3 days. 

Total Weight Gain: 22 lbs. Find out my current total this afternoon at my appointment (I will update later today). Getting real close to the once a week apt. schedule. **UPDATE 12/12 - 4lbs. Total as of Monday? 26lbs. Oh and the waddling? I guess I have arthritis of the pelvic bone. Nice, huh?! I am SO done. Positive? My pain and pressure now has a name. 

Maternity Clothes:  More comfy than maternity. Seriously, I am getting pretty sick of dressing like a bum. Even my mom told me last night that I need a new sweatshirt. I guess I wear the same one too often?! Well when you feel 42 weeks pregnant, have a belly as big as a 40 lb medicine ball, AND you don't have any kind of dress code to abide by during the day then....

I am ready to fit in my wardrobe again!

Stretch Marks: Oh you guys...I am so depressed. After 32 weeks of typing the word NO in this section I am afraid I can't do that anymore. I have one red stretch mark on my right side perfectly aligned under my right nipple. I have never been opposed to plastic surgery (feel free to judge away) so one day, if (more like when) I need a slight nip and tuck, I will have the doctor just cut it away. Until then I am off to find a really hot one-piece. AFTER I Isagenix, of course. 

Best Moment this Week: My baby shower - which was the best EVER. I am not going to say too much here because it is the subject of my next blog post...so stay tuned. It was so so sooooo special.   

Miss Anything: Sitting comfortably on the couch...or in the car... 

I tried to curl up for The Dark Knight Rises yesterday afternoon and lasted 23 minutes. For the remaining 2 hours I had to sit at the edge of the couch with two pillows behind my back at a 90 degree angle.The ONLY way my right side (upper back and ribs) doesn't BURN is if I am standing, laying totally flat or am sitting at a 90.

Movement: We are finally at the stage of the pregnancy where I can feel body parts and I LOVE IT! Makes Nick gag. If she isn't practicing on the speed bag she is doing slow motion karate moves. My favorite is when I feel a knee/leg/foot or a bum slowly roll across my belly - protruding, making me look disfigured - then moving right back into place.  

Cravings: Brownies and Arby's mozzarella sticks. Take an 8 1/2 month pregnant woman whose favorite food BEFORE baby was cheese and bread and introduce her to Arby's fried cheese sticks....yeah, OMGGGGGGGGGG! I now want them every day. Side note: usually I am an excellent food sharer even when I beyond love what I am eating. Well, yesterday when Nick asked for one of my sticks I flat out said no. Like, HANDS OFF YOU SNEAKY SNOOK (too much Jake and the Neverland Pirates). And I didn't even think twice about. No guilt here. If you wanted a stick, Nick, you should have ordered some yourself. 

Gender: Sweet, precious baby GIRL!

Name: ???

Labor Signs: An occasional contraction here and there but nothing to freak out over. I was texting my friend last night who is 3 weeks ahead of me. She was planning on taking today off from work to get everything packed and ready to go. While I do have baby's bag packed we would be FAR from ready if my water broke today. Ashley inspired me to GET ON IT! Remember?? I was sobbing when my water broke with Cruz because NOTHING was done. I refuse to have that happen to me this time. BY Christmas (we are celebrating out at Newman) the car seat will be installed, ALL hospital bags will be packed, Cruz's bag will be packed, house will be cleaned, gel mani/pedi will be done, meals cooked and frozen, and Liam's vet registration complete JUST IN CASE. By then I will be 36 1/2 weeks prego! Better be safe than sorry. Plus I want...no NEED an epidural and since we will be 45 minutes away from the hospital out at my parents house, IF something should happen I need to get to the hospital STAT. I am not going to risk a painful delivery on my life...especially since everyone says it will be WAY faster than the first (which was really fast).

Symptoms: I am officially waddling. Like a baby duck that can't walk well. AND I thought I was waddling before...HAAAAAAAAAA. 

I mean the pressure and lower crotch pain is OUT OF THIS WORLD.  

Happy or Moody: Does moody mean severely emotional? Cause if it does, I am MOODYYYY. I cry at everything and can't seem to help it. It is horrible. I can't wait to return back to hormonally balanced Ashley. Hey good news... especially for Nick....when I am not crying, I am pretty happy. Pretty sure it has something to do with seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Wedding Rings - on or off: On.  

Looking Forward to: Celebrating Christ's birth, nesting and waiting. I am so close I can feel it. 

**OMG I only got to snap one more picture pregnant with Cruz before I went into labor. HOPE HOPE HOPE this is the case for baby girl.

***And just for fun, here is a picture comparison for you. 34 weeks with Cruz and then with baby girl. Ohhhh how I wish I was in Mexico...

32 weeks

30 weeks

28 weeks

26 weeks

24 weeks

22 weeks

20 weeks

18 weeks

Nursery Peeks

We haven't finished the nursery yet but are making amazing progress. Here are some sneak peeks to hold you over until it is all the way done!

I am beyond loving how it is turning out!

**Sarah G., what an amazing prop for her newborn shoot!! Can you picture a naked baby with a giant headband laying on this bad boy?!

Happy Friday! xo

Loving Two

I love God's timing. Makes me laugh.

Last night after bible study I got a Facebook message from a friend of mine. She happens to be expecting her second baby two weeks before me - in fact, funny story. When I was NEWLY pregnant, talking 5 weeks, I logged into my Baby Center account to update my timeline to now include baby #2. Remembering the drama the baby board provided me late into each night while pregnant with Cruz I also subscribed to the January 2013 board. Snooping around I see a familiar picture....it was my friend! She was talking about how she was also newly pregnant - totally tired, already showing, chasing around her toddler son! What a small world! Out of the thousands of members subscribed to that one board, I run across MY FRIEND. So I immediately message her on Facebook and spill my secret too!

Anyway going through exactly what I am going through she messages me an article called Loving Two. Fitting...especially after yesterday's blog post about my bone chilling fears about bringing home this baby girl.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I can’t. Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change. First to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you. You each have your own supply. I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
-Author unknown

Amazing, huh?! I cried. Under the covers (cause my husband was sound asleep and get's really snippy if the light from my phone keeps him awake - no judgement here. he wakes up at 5 every morning.). Bawled. 20 minutes after I finish...still bawling. *Really sad that as I just re-read it to post here, tears. Again.

Thank you, Courtni for sending me just what I needed. It was indeed perfect timing. It makes this sad mama's heart happy that I have friends who know exactly what I am going through and are crying with me.

  

R*F*M*L*W

R*F*M*L*W = Reflections from my long weekend.

Ready?

**Well before we start - I updated my weight gain total on my 32 week pregnancy highlight post. Very happy girl here!

1. Thankful. 

We packed up the family and headed south 2 hours to the Lewiston/Clarkston Valley for Thanksgiving. It was a perfect two days. We got to spend time with Nick's siblings, mom and step dad, Oma and Opa, Nick's dad and family from Boise and meet his sister's new boyfriend (great great great) and his darling kiddos. Overwhelming, sure. Lot's of people snuggled in close Thanksgiving night. So while it can be a lot (especially for Cruz and I who love our very strict schedule and the comforts of our quiet home) it is this very thing that I love so much about Nick's family. They love each other. Like really love each other. The type of love where you can yell, scream, cry, share differences, argue, go through some horrible tragedy or fight to the death but at the end of the day, just like the simple snap of your fingers, it is all forgotten and all is right again. Their love language is simple. Time. Laughing, joking and sharing stories of the past. And that's what we did.

2. Nick and Cruz.
To follow suit with item #1, I am most thankful for my little family. There are not two people on this whole earth I love more deeply than Nick and Cruz. Both of them have frustrating moments - my loose cannon and my sensitive, independent soul so much like me it's scary but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not more money. Not a bigger house, a new car or any kind of new life. I love MY life - crazy and all. I try and say it out loud every day. God, thank you for my family. God, thank you for answering my prayers and bringing me Nick. God, thank you so much for Cruz. God, I don't deserve it but thank you for all of the blessings you have provided us. Nick, I am proud of you. Nick, way to go! You are the biggest stud in life. Nick, thank you for providing us this life. Nick, you look really nice today or Cruz, I love you. Cruz, I love you a million trillion. Cruz, have I told you that you have the best face. I mean, really...your face is one I could stare at every minute of every day. Cruz, I mean your FACE. It is beautiful. Cruz, thank you for the hug they are the best ever. Cruz, you are such a good boy. Cruz, I think you are the best thing on earth. BUT being me and saying pretty much what I think can cause someone to overlook what I really mean or can cause them not to take me seriously. It sometimes takes weekends with family, a holiday focused around blessings and thank yous to reflect on what makes your heart whole and happy. Those two things - whole and happy - are my heart because of Nick and Cruz.



This is what TERRIFIES me about this new baby. This baby girl I have so desperately wanted, dreamed about and prayed for specifically for my whole life. God faithfully answered my prayer and now I cry at the thought of leaving Cruz when I go to give him a sibling or how having two lives to be responsible for will change my relationship with Nick or how hard it might be for Cruz - the transition of sharing mom. Ohhhhh I am sure you moms who have done it are smiling reading this...how the love you feel for the first is no different than the love you feel for your second. I have heard it a million times. And honestly, I can't wait to get to that point but right now...in this moment...I am scared out of my ever loving mind.

3. Hospital Bag.
Like I mentioned in my 32 week pregnancy highlight post, I had my first experience with Braxton Hicks this weekend. With Cruz I was lucky enough to get my epidural at 2 cm (after my water broke at 37 weeks) so to be super honest I didn't really get to experience contractions at all. So after the scare that was I figured I should organize little girl's closet and start to think seriously about packing her hospital bag.

It was SO fun to go through all of the clothes I have purchased since we found out she was a girl...or even before we found out Cruz was a boy. Remember? I was buying girl clothes the second we found out we were pregnant with Cruz.

After taking inventory, I selected 4 outfits, 2 blankets and some misc. accessories for her new diaper bag. That way at least her bag will be ready to go in case Braxton Hicks should turn into the real thing or my water breaks surprisingly early.

4. Chariot Throne.

One thing I love about our small group - and there are SO many things - is that it is an additional form of accountability for Nick and I specifically regarding our church attendance. It is not like if we weren't in a small group we wouldn't go to church. In fact church is so much more than being prepared for small group (where we answer questions/discuss the previous week's sermon). It is about encouragement, fellowship and example. My most important responsibility - my one mission on this earth, as a parent, is to raise my children to love God with their heart, soul and mind. One of the biggest ways I do that is through example. They need to see Nick and I live it out every day. They need to know they aren't alone. That there are other families and other little ones who believe just as we do - they get that at church. 

Well, after some schedule re-arranging, we made it to church on Sunday. And it did not disappoint. In fact, it provided some of the best worship I've experienced in a long time. The worship band played one of my favorite songs currently on the 104.9 roster - Great I Am by Phillips, Craig and Dean. 

The mountains shake before you

The demons run in fear

At the mention of the name King

of Majesty

There is no power in hell

Or any who can stand

Before the power and the

Presence of the Great I am

At this part of the song I have to stop singing or my husband and the lady in front of me would catch on that tears have fully appeared and are rolling down the side of my face. 

All I could think of was Daniel chapter 7 - thanks to the Dream Table and Beth Moore's Daniel bible study. In chapter 7 God shows Daniel a glimpse of the final judgement through a dream. The devil and the Antichrist are center stage speaking boastfully, yelling out blasphemies when the Ancient of Days appears - clothing white as snow and hair white like wool - and takes his place on THE throne. His throne flaming with fire, its wheels ablaze. Ten thousand times ten thousand stands before him. The court is seated and the books ARE OPENED!

The final judgement. When God comes to deliver this earth from Satan once and for all, establish his kingdom and hand over the power, the rule and the glory to Jesus Christ whose last experience on earth was being spit on, slapped, mocked then crucified...all by the people HE DIED FOR! We don't deserve the gift of eternal life. We - believers - don't deserve to be a part of the ten thousand times ten thousand who stands before him in the final judgement because we would have been raptured 1,000 years earlier.

My point? The song is powerful reminder, along with Daniel 7, that all of this is TRUTH. It is REAL and WILL HAPPEN. The Ancient of Days is the Great I am. The Alpha and Omega. It is my daily fire. What will I do in the 70, 80, 90 years I have on this earth to bring glory to His name?

It is what I think about every day. How I can't wait to leave this place for that of perfection. No pain. No sadness. I can't wait for that day. 

5. Family Heartbreak.
A member of my immediate family recently lost a baby. This is actually the second loss she has suffered so to use words like heartbroken, desperate, lost in sorrow or totally out of emotional control while accurate are so small and meaningless to the pain she actually experiencing - makes it hard to talk about, write about or even think about. Even having experienced the loss of a child myself it is still hard to find the right words to say. The only thing I can even say, besides asking questions, is I am sorry. I love you. And while it is impossible to see right now, I pray that one day you will be able to understands God's mighty hand in all of this. Not that he took your baby - but that he weeps with you, is heartbroken for you and loves you more madly than anyone on earth possibly could.

In fact dear friend - Beth Moore says it better than I ever could - If you have received Christ, you are the spiritual seed of Abraham. Nothing touches you without touching His eye. Nothing bites you without Him feeling it. He sees. He knows. And, best of all, He heals. 

Please, friends, be praying for my love. The one and only thing that can deliver her from her sorrow is His love.

6. Hot Fudge-y Brownies.
I love my sister and think I hit the sister jackpot when she was born...well seems as though I didn't when my parents brought her home and maybe I didn't FULLY until adult hood but boy I sure do now. She is my sounding board, my partner in crime, my built in bestie, my eternal encourager, my don't have to ask EVER prayer partner and my comfy sweatshirt. You know, the one you throw on after a doozy of a day and makes you automatically feel better?

So yesterday I was watching TV during nap time when a commercial of a suburban housewife and mom making brownies appeared. Oooo baby they were the extra fudge-y ones. So piping hot the steam fogged my glasses from the other side of the TV! I decided to send out a text to my sis, mom and hubby which read:

Anyone want to deliver me a piping hot fudge-y brownie?

My mom responded - lol!!! I want one too!
My sis responded - hahah!!! Delivery is extra fun!!!!!
My hubby didn't respond but that's okay. Didn't expect him to anyway. He is working hard for the money...so hard for it honeyyyyy.

Then about an hour later there was a knock at my door and standing in the 35 degree darkness was my sister holding a plate of piping hot fudge-y brownies.

I mean seriously. She is the very best.

32 weeks

**Excuse my very casual attire. I have a cold and it was late. BUT it should be known that the blue and yellow was intentional and just for you, Mesha Campbell Kendrick! 

"delta delta delta tri, delta tri till I die...."

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: As I write this? 32 weeks, 3 days. 

Total Weight Gain: 21+ - I find out the official number this afternoon at my apt. Totally anticipating reaching the two ton Sally mark. **Updated 11/29 - I gained ONE POUND. Making my total weight gain at 32 weeks, 3 days, 22 lbs. I screeched when I saw the number then made Anita, Dr. Brown's assistant, confirm. What I didn't tell you guys when I wrote this post originally was that the day before for dinner I had a McDonald's fry and a diet coke. The day before that I had a peanut buster parfait from DQ. Is my excitement radiating through the computer screen??

Maternity Clothes: Yes. Definitely at the point where my belly leads ME. I ran it into Nick in the kitchen last night - feeling like a 35 pound medicine ball is stuffed under my shirt and I can't seem to get a handle on it. Oh and two people this weekend made comments about me looking heavier, stuffed, big. Really awesome for a girl's self esteem. 

Stretch Marks: No!

Best Moment this Week: My maternity shoot was fantastic and AS ALWAYS nerves went straight away as soon as I stepped out of my rig. I am sure most, if not all of you, saw the two preview shots Sarah posted on Facebook...she is pretty incredible. Two side notes - A. I didn't just do naked pics. I did have two other outfits I tried to rock. B. Maybe it is because my husband doesn't understand why I would want naked pictures of myself (remember...he is so private and soooooo conservative it's not even funny) but I feel the need to say out loud: I am not self-obsessed. I would be uncomfortable with photos of myself (with very little on) around the house for everyone to see. I most def have body issues and I would NEVER take those type of pictures NOT pregnant...I know, even though I want to be a nudist. Go figure. 

Bottom line? I am really proud of what Sarah and I accomplished. Maybe it's because this baby is a girl and I want to be an example of how to exude confidence (especially when your past could and should have robbed it ALL from you) or that it is our last pregnancy but I CAN'T WAIT to frame them and hang them in all our our special, private places. 

Miss Anything: It happened with Cruz the last 4 weeks - where I can't do anything but sit totally straight or lay down flat. If I sit slouched even just a TINY bit, my back and right under my boobs burn like the ring of fire Johnny Cash sings about. The good news is it all ended the SECOND Cruz was born. I am hoping the same with baby girl.

Movement: All the time. She is a lot lower than Cruz was so instead of getting rib shots I am getting shots to what feels like my ovaries and vagina. 

Cravings: Crazy, I know, but honestly no big cravings these last two weeks. I still have to have my coffee and fountain diet coke every day but that's all she wrote folks. 

Gender: Girl!

Name: This weekend...this weekend...I don't know what to say about it except for the fact that Nick and I were so disappointed. It is probably not the best idea to ask me about a name. Right now. 

Labor Signs: No although I will say I had BAD contractions on Saturday. From 11:30-12:30 they were 2-4 minutes apart. Thought for two seconds it was go time. Scared the crap out of me SO I spent all day Sunday washing blankets and packing her hospital bag. 

Symptoms: Any you can think of, I have.

Happy or Moody:  Mostly moody. Doesn't help that I am sick. 

Wedding Rings - on or off: On.

Looking Forward to: My baby shower! It is coming up weekend after next and is being so generously, lovingly thrown by my sis and dear friend Kelly. I am so so SO blessed with amazing women in my life that love me and this baby girl so much. Bring on the bows and bangles!

Up next: NURSERY!

30 weeks

28 weeks

26 weeks

24 weeks

22 weeks

20 weeks

18 weeks

Life lately via iPhone pics

Tis' the season! Happy Thursday, everyone!