R*F*M*L*W = Reflections from my long weekend.
Ready?
**Well before we start - I updated my weight gain total on my 32 week pregnancy highlight post. Very happy girl here!
1. Thankful.
We packed up the family and headed south 2 hours to the Lewiston/Clarkston Valley for Thanksgiving. It was a perfect two days. We got to spend time with Nick's siblings, mom and step dad, Oma and Opa, Nick's dad and family from Boise and meet his sister's new boyfriend (great great great) and his darling kiddos. Overwhelming, sure. Lot's of people snuggled in close Thanksgiving night. So while it can be a lot (especially for Cruz and I who love our very strict schedule and the comforts of our quiet home) it is this very thing that I love so much about Nick's family. They love each other. Like really love each other. The type of love where you can yell, scream, cry, share differences, argue, go through some horrible tragedy or fight to the death but at the end of the day, just like the simple snap of your fingers, it is all forgotten and all is right again. Their love language is simple. Time. Laughing, joking and sharing stories of the past. And that's what we did.
2. Nick and Cruz.
To follow suit with item #1, I am most thankful for my little family. There are not two people on this whole earth I love more deeply than Nick and Cruz. Both of them have frustrating moments - my loose cannon and my sensitive, independent soul so much like me it's scary but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not more money. Not a bigger house, a new car or any kind of new life. I love MY life - crazy and all. I try and say it out loud every day. God, thank you for my family. God, thank you for answering my prayers and bringing me Nick. God, thank you so much for Cruz. God, I don't deserve it but thank you for all of the blessings you have provided us. Nick, I am proud of you. Nick, way to go! You are the biggest stud in life. Nick, thank you for providing us this life. Nick, you look really nice today or Cruz, I love you. Cruz, I love you a million trillion. Cruz, have I told you that you have the best face. I mean, really...your face is one I could stare at every minute of every day. Cruz, I mean your FACE. It is beautiful. Cruz, thank you for the hug they are the best ever. Cruz, you are such a good boy. Cruz, I think you are the best thing on earth. BUT being me and saying pretty much what I think can cause someone to overlook what I really mean or can cause them not to take me seriously. It sometimes takes weekends with family, a holiday focused around blessings and thank yous to reflect on what makes your heart whole and happy. Those two things - whole and happy - are my heart because of Nick and Cruz.
This is what TERRIFIES me about this new baby. This baby girl I have so desperately wanted, dreamed about and prayed for
specifically for my whole life. God faithfully answered my prayer and now I cry at the thought of leaving Cruz when I go to give him a sibling or how having two lives to be responsible for will change my relationship with Nick or how hard it might be for Cruz - the transition of sharing mom. Ohhhhh I am sure you moms who have done it are smiling reading this...how the love you feel for the first is no different than the love you feel for your second. I have heard it a million times. And honestly, I can't wait to get to that point but right now...in this moment...I am scared out of my ever loving mind.
3. Hospital Bag.
Like I mentioned in my 32 week pregnancy highlight post, I had my first experience with Braxton Hicks this weekend. With Cruz I was lucky enough to get my epidural at 2 cm (after my water broke at 37 weeks) so to be super honest I didn't really get to experience contractions at all. So after the scare that was I figured I should organize little girl's closet and start to think seriously about packing her hospital bag.
It was SO fun to go through all of the clothes I have purchased since we found out she was a girl...or even before we found out Cruz was a boy.
Remember? I was buying girl clothes the second we found out we were pregnant with Cruz.
After taking inventory, I selected 4 outfits, 2 blankets and some misc. accessories for her new diaper bag. That way at least her bag will be ready to go in case Braxton Hicks should turn into the real thing or my water breaks surprisingly early.
4. Chariot Throne.
One thing I love about our small group - and there are SO many things - is that it is an additional form of accountability for Nick and I specifically regarding our church attendance. It is not like if we weren't in a small group we wouldn't go to church. In fact church is so much more than being prepared for small group (where we answer questions/discuss the previous week's sermon). It is about encouragement, fellowship and example. My most important responsibility - my one mission on this earth, as a parent, is to raise my children to love God with their heart, soul and mind. One of the biggest ways I do that is through example. They need to see Nick and I live it out every day. They need to know they aren't alone. That there are other families and other little ones who believe just as we do - they get that at church.
Well, after some schedule re-arranging, we made it to church on Sunday. And it did not disappoint. In fact, it provided some of the best worship I've experienced in a long time. The worship band played one of my favorite songs currently on the 104.9 roster - Great I Am by Phillips, Craig and Dean.
The mountains shake before you
The demons run in fear
At the mention of the name King
of Majesty
There is no power in hell
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the
Presence of the Great I am
At this part of the song I have to stop singing or my husband and the lady in front of me would catch on that tears have fully appeared and are rolling down the side of my face.
All I could think of was Daniel chapter 7 - thanks to the
Dream Table and Beth Moore's Daniel bible study. In chapter 7 God shows Daniel a glimpse of the final judgement through a dream. The devil and the Antichrist are center stage speaking boastfully, yelling out blasphemies when the Ancient of Days appears - clothing white as snow and hair white like wool - and takes his place on THE throne. His throne flaming with fire, its wheels ablaze. Ten thousand times ten thousand stands before him. The court is seated and the books ARE OPENED!
The final judgement. When God comes to deliver this earth from Satan once and for all, establish his kingdom and hand over the power, the rule and the glory to Jesus Christ whose last experience on earth was being spit on, slapped, mocked then crucified...all by the people HE DIED FOR! We don't deserve the gift of eternal life. We - believers - don't deserve to be a part of the ten thousand times ten thousand who stands before him in the final judgement because we would have been raptured 1,000 years earlier.
My point? The song is powerful reminder, along with Daniel 7, that all of this is TRUTH. It is REAL and WILL HAPPEN. The Ancient of Days is the Great I am. The Alpha and Omega. It is my daily fire. What will I do in the 70, 80, 90 years I have on this earth to bring glory to His name?
It is what I think about every day. How I can't wait to leave this place for that of perfection. No pain. No sadness. I can't wait for that day.
5. Family Heartbreak.
A member of my immediate
family recently lost a baby. This is actually the second loss she has suffered so to use words like heartbroken, desperate, lost in sorrow or totally out of emotional control while accurate are so small and meaningless to the pain she actually experiencing - makes it hard to talk about, write about or even think about. Even having experienced the
loss of a child myself it is still hard to find the right words to say. The only thing I can even say, besides asking questions, is I am sorry. I love you. And while it is impossible to see right now, I pray that one day you will be able to understands God's mighty hand in all of this. Not that he took your baby - but that he weeps with you, is heartbroken for you and loves you more madly than anyone on earth possibly could.
In fact dear friend - Beth Moore says it better than I ever could -
If you have received Christ, you are the spiritual seed of Abraham. Nothing touches you without touching His eye. Nothing bites you without Him feeling it. He sees. He knows. And, best of all, He heals.
Please, friends, be praying for my love. The one and only thing that can deliver her from her sorrow is His love.
6. Hot Fudge-y Brownies.
I love my sister and think I hit the sister jackpot when she was born...well seems as though I didn't when my parents brought her home and maybe I didn't FULLY until adult hood but boy I sure do now. She is my sounding board, my partner in crime, my built in bestie, my eternal encourager, my
don't have to ask EVER prayer partner and my comfy sweatshirt. You know, the one you throw on after a doozy of a day and makes you automatically feel better?
So yesterday I was watching TV during nap time when a commercial of a suburban housewife and mom making brownies appeared. Oooo baby they were the extra fudge-y ones. So piping hot the steam fogged my glasses from the other side of the TV! I decided to send out a text to my sis, mom and hubby which read:
Anyone want to deliver me a piping hot fudge-y brownie?
My mom responded -
lol!!! I want one too!
My sis responded -
hahah!!! Delivery is extra fun!!!!!
My hubby didn't respond but that's okay. Didn't expect him to anyway. He is working hard for the money...so hard for it honeyyyyy.
Then about an hour later there was a knock at my door and standing in the 35 degree darkness was my sister holding a plate of piping hot fudge-y brownies.
I mean seriously. She is the very best.
