Seeing the beauty out of the ugly

On Tuesday I got a phone call from a sister friend who lost her baby at 11 weeks. This was a call I was not anticipating but was humbled beyond reason to receive.

See, Nick and I lost a baby too.

At the time all I could feel was extreme sadness, dark void and shame for not being able to provide the baby I had been dreaming of my whole life an opportunity to grow healthy and strong. The shear excitement over my Christmas baby that I was able to experience for 3 weeks was a high I know I will never get back or have again. Instead, my mind was filled with guilt, worry, fear and endless questions of why me. At the end of the day I was a mother and no matter if my baby was 6 weeks developed, 2, 5 or 25 - a mother's loss is still a mother's loss - something no one can take away from me.

I know God has a plan and that sometimes the biggest blessings, boldest hearts and strongest faiths come out of ugly tragedy. I never knew how God might use me and the memory of my baby to give comfort, calm fears, build stronger relationships and witness to the fact that our God is holy and that hope and healing is possible. Boy, did he showed me Tuesday.

I was able to cry tears of sadness with my friend and say with 100% truth that no one understands you more than I do.

There was assurance that although life will suck for a while, it will get better.

There was assurance that the memory will never leave but if you lean on Jesus to help you through it and hold on to the beautiful picture that your baby is in a place far better than this earth, sitting on Jesus' lap - there can be peace.

I absolutely believe that everyday Jesus is asking us - Who Am I?

Who are you?

You are the defender of my soul, giver of all blessings, keeper of my fears, prison for my worries, water to my thirst and food to my hunger. You are light, you are love and you are my savior.

Thank you for making beauty of out of the ugly, always answering the smallest of prayers and most important - watching over my baby until I can get there to meet her.